i will never coherently bang her
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
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She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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