I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
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You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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