I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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