I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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