Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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