I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
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well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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