Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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