ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
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You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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