I haven't been this sober since birth.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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