I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
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the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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