I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
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Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
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I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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