I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
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No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
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Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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