i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
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He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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