i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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