i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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