I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize