Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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