he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
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you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
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i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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