I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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