I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
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I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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