i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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