Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize