yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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