dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
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he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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