the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize