so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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