I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize