We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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