So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
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He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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