i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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