He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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