Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize