My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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