the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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