apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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