I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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