no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
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I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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