1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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