You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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