I cannot find my penis.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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