These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
A bitchslap is in order.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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