I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
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Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
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Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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