seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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