I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Randomize