Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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