I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize