Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
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I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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