Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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