he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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