You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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